the truth shall set you free... from the spectre of zit-heads copulating

I have to say that, for once in life, the simple truth can be beneficial.
The audience here is teenagers and the topic is sex. If you've seen my bizarre faux-reality text from a few months ago, you know that sex ed has been doing nothing but promoting sex, either because teachers are afraid to talk frankly, or because the materials they're using are crap
I'm not against sex, but you have to have a brain as well and most teens don't. They don't worry about consequences especially when the act is about to happen.

Groin cancels brain every time.

So 'sex ed' has to take the mystery and glamour out of those three letters in the title. And if kids still wanna play hide-the-sausage, grown-up style, then so be it. At least they'll be less likely to have the stupid consequences, like the birth of another hoodie.

Channel four is putting on the Sex Education show all this week. Today's show was very good.
It showed the physical changes of pregnancy which were seriously grossifying. Message delivered.

The host of the show got made up like a porn star to see what reaction she'd get. Although she would have got more sex, she'd also have got a heap more abuse as well. In my opinion, to advertise yourself like a hooker only leads to one thing. I'm an old man, but sexual attraction is much more complex for real people. If the porn star isn't offering, nobody's paying any attention. Nobody wants to know her.

Actually, this one above's not so bad. The bird on the tv looked more like

Joan Collins;

faaeecchhh. Pooey.

That oughtta limit the number of 10 and 11 year-olds messing with the old paint-roller make-up routine.


Message delivered?

____


The class on the show got a lesson in condom-wearing etiquette. That should get them over their skittishness with that aid. Message sent. However, they didn't go into the details about the rubbers that pleasure the wearer as much as the owner of the receiving end, so to speak.

I especially like the re-usable ones. wash in cold water, then just drip dry.

The show talked about the emotional depth of some of the married famous couples that kids seem to idolise, like Beyonce and that ugly lad JayZ. They showed how they are emotionally linked and it's not just about looks or clothing, or money. It just looks like stars're all about looks and money, because artists are peddling their souls to make money and they've got gazzillions. Message delivered? If you want hot sex, join those folks. Even if it's bad, everybody will think you're in heaven.

The best part was the matter-of-fact chat with the young porn stud and his porn-ho girlfriend.
He's done a lot to earn his crust. Once, he corn-holed an old wrinkled hag, who hadn't done an enema and he got a rotten-old-charcoal-turd stuck to his rubber. OMFG. I'da puked!


He has to shave his block and tackle each time. Imagine nicking your pole with a razor. Owwwch!

The best one was the fact that, because he was slim, that he could pass for gay, even though he wasn't (ya, whatever). But, in order to bring home the bacon, he had to get into a discussion with a 'comely' lad, about who was going to be the man and who the woman. You give as you get. LOL.

His gal, or the I'm-happy-to-do-an-enema lady, was the butt of a ten-guy anal party. She showed her bravery by saying that it only put her "out of action for two days." No pornos for two days. I thought she was going to say incontinence, diapers and no solid FOOD for two days.


Since young kids check out porn off the web (just like everyone else), at least the aura of coolness will have disappear.

Feces, fags and french-tickling wrinkled hags.

Much cool-nessss. Not. Much rudeness.
I hope the result is that the zit-crew won't put so much pressure on each other and themselves about popping the cherry. Because, if you get to my age, sex isn't all that hot and it wasn't when I was young either. It was quick though. Well, some of it was semi-lukewarm... but we tell stories and they're mostly bullshit.

My sex ed was pretty funny, actually. We were separated from the girls for this and we just had a great time taking the piss out of the material. We saw the diseased peckers and stuff. But the funny slides were:

[Photo of man in raincoat]
voiceover: What is happening to THIS man?
We thought he was playing pocket pool, or that he was a pedophile hiding a kid in there. That gets big laughs when you're 13, especially since old buggers in those days wore a lot of baggy, sweaty polyester.
BZZT. WRONG. He was getting a surprise boner. (Probably from the pocket pool, I sez)

The next one:
[photo of guy under the covers]
voiceover: What is happening to THIS young man?

No tent was obvious in the covers and there was no porno mag and flashlight, so he wasn't wanking. So, we had no idea.
BZZT. WRONG. He was soiling his shorts during a wet dream [I suppose, all the while imagining he's boning Monicca Belucci or Giselle or some other fit specimen.]


Having that as a dream sequence would have made it funny, and we would have all nodded, "been there, done that, got the t-shirt." Uh-huh.

In the end though, all that educatin' didn't dissuade me from my escapades one bit. I never used a condom as a free man. never! And this was during the time when the free-loving hippies cursed us with deadly AIDS, just to piss us off even more. I used to joke that I have no kids.... that I know of. It's so surprising that nothing bad happened to me. Others aren't so lucky though.

Having lived in the UK on and off for 10 years, I find it easy to believe that sixty percent of British women use a dildo (as the show said).

When you look at the options they have (not to mention the options on the dildoes), you girls would probably do the same here. Most lads here are either drunk, gay, hooligans or otherwise seriously troubled. It also goes a long way to explaining why birds here are usually in such a fowl mood. They find guys to be completely superfluous. Dildoes are too perfect a replacement for a guy. No off-nights, but on the other hand, they do need more maintenance than the average guy (batteries and so on).

Actually, the kids watching the show looked somewhat bored about the whole thing. That's good. Unfortunately, some of the kids will be so grossed out by the gnarly display that they may never procreate or even do the humpy-pumpy, EVER! Well, if that's the price that's gotta be paid...

-Cos67 ( 8^P

checkitout: channel4.com
royalty-free photos from fotosearch.com

human race survives by cavorting with apes

What's the next disease that will kill millions of people? Will we be able to survive in our massive urban sprawls with no clean air without getting cancer? Actually, I think we will. Crosspolination is the key.
Humans are not headed for extinction if us guys are willing to put or willies into other species. Let science take care of the rest.

If ape hiney is good enough for Charleton Heston, it's good enough for me.
'you Jane, me Charleton. let's do it.'

-Cos67 8^P

is modern art a lecture in me-me-me?

This won't make modern art very different from the society it purports to be a part of.
Isn't art supposed to be part of the dialogic between the artist and the rest of society?
More later

Labour party changes name

We all know that UK's Labour party is about as interested in labour (workers) as they are in boils on the gluteus maximus. The following though, may surprise you. They are now:

Business Bailout Bank plc

Mortgaging your future, for the good of business.
you work for them. you work to pay our debt. then you die.
you'll get food and clothing, don't worry.

Don't worry, be happy. We've just given out massive loans that have tripled the government's debt.
Great!
In much the same way that you've never recognised how indebted the government is, a tripling of debt doesn't matter either.
We don't ever pay these things off.
Loans and bonds just enrich banks and other lender countries (as the poor old boys don't have derivatives anymore).
You won't feel a thing. You won't even know why the markets go up and down, but our creditors will.
We'll print money, so that the currency becomes devalued. You'll lose your your vacation homes and your trips and then your vacations. The environment thanks you already.
Then, at some point, when the Chinese can no longer fund us, the whole system will collapse.
People say 'don't go there', but we will.
All we need now is a smiling, unsullied young face to sell this deal, not that ragged old bag Crash Gordon. The name Cam-something is coming to me.

man created from woman

An old scroll was found in a cave on the north shore of Crete (St. Nick's), where even Dan Brown couldn't find it. It was an early proof copy of the Bible, circa 100AD.

In it was a version of Genesis which was different from the one we no longer learn in school. It questions the belief that true Christians hold dear; that Eve was created from Adam's rib. And it goes like this:

On the third day, God created woman in the image of something
that He would have liked to fondle,
were He human.
And so, He made Eve
with a body largely hairless and yet full of curves.
"Cursed are those who marry as they will become hairy indeed,"
God ordered.
And it was so.

Three of those curves belonged to the woman's three breasts.
After looking at her for a day, God thought that intelligent design
forced Him to get rid of one of those breasts,
on that fourth day,
as only two were necessary and manageable by Playtex.
God thought for another day about what to do
with that useless piece of human blubber.
Thus it was that, on the fifth day, man was created;
it was Adam and he said 'hiya' to Eve.
He admired Eden's nature and particularly her rosebud,

and whence it was that the big snake became apparent.

Whereupon Adam checked behind his fig leaf and said
"well, this oughta be useful."
Then, an invitation was profferred unto Eve:
"Come here, you!"
to which Eve obeyed
because she preferred that a man make the first move.
Thence they started their path out of Eden
and on to the highway to Hell (AC/DC).

Adapted wildly from "A Prairie Home Companion"- copyright
royalty-free pics from fotosearch.com,

Shell changes name to United Colours of Hydrocarbons

Jo Slik, the director of advertising for the newly-named company, held a news conference in London, its de facto headquarters (which has not affected its ability to avoid UK taxes through tax havens).
She parlayed a message from the company's president: "The new United (Colours of) Hydrocarbons had grown sick of hiding its rapacious behaviour behind the faux environmental image of a clean shell."
"We will use the old shell image for our renewables section and instead use the above image for our traditional polluting and raiding of the earth's plenty, e.g. oil. It's a shell spoiled by oil stains. In fact, it's swimming in crude oil. As are we. Thank you."
The pliant media had one question only, and wouldn't-you-know-it, it wasn't very critical: "I would have thought that in using 'colours' in your advertising name, that you could have used the refracting colours seen when a thin layer of oil is found on water, say... when people draw polluted water from a well, because their government refuses to use oil money to build proper water pipes, right?"
The answer was, "Very interesting. Would you like a job in our advertising department?" at which point the now-former journalist ran up on stage and fell prostrate at the rep's feet.

Image is so important in these days when advertising, media and government have melded into one great imperialist cash-grab. It was indeed the UK's former Chancellor/chancer G. Gordon (Liddy) Brown who noted that the war in Iraq was good for 'his' economy; it's the oil stupid! He said this years ago in front of a member of the media who was holding a video camera (!!) and yet it was quickly ignored, lest it wake the people from their stupor, caused by working 80-hour weeks to pay the bills.

Present at the UH conference was a critic, the shadow oil minister from an Iraqi Shia minority party, who quipped, "they could have added the deep deep red of dried Iraqi blood to the shell" The mask-wearing Niger-delta rebel representative added that his people's blood was also of a similar hue. He had in fact seen much of it being spilled by government soldiers at the behest of Shell,....uuuuh, I mean United Hydrocarbons.

[picture adapted from fotosearch.com]

toke on this, bonehead!

Smoking is controversial, right? People harm themselves and we all have to pay the cost of it.
Following are some different perspectives and themes revolving around that old carcinogenic habit.

Chinese philosophy:
ying: "That's what we all need. Fill the hospitals with preventable illnesses."
yang: "Fluck it, I want my tax money to go towards saving my arse."

business:
Smokes, if used correctly, will probably kill you. How do you do quality control on that? ISO 9000DS (for Deadly Sh*t).

sociology:
Ostracising smokers from pubs and bars has decreased smoking.
[music list--> play Dead Man's Party]
But the natural-born rebels amongst us think of themselves as oh-so-cool and independent as they buck the trend.
"Look, I'm cool yet I got FIRE coming out of my pie-hole!"


anthropology 1:
Smoking looks like an ancient pagan ritual, but without the soul.

[www.fotosearch.com]

Anthropology 2:
The control of fire was a major evolutionary step for humanoids. When we thought we could control it by applying it to a cancer-stick, THAT's when we got burnt. We will move on from this stage, much as we did when we stopped looking at the fireplace as entertainment and replaced that by looking at tv. Ooh, another bad example.

religion:
The first European smokers were thought to be devil worshippers. Never have religious zealots been sooo correct.
Fires of hell, parts 1 & 2 [www.fotosearch.com]:


psychology:
It's not what you're burning, it's what's burning YOU.

advertising:
For those brave remaining smokers, here's an ad which will show how a corporation is playing smokers for idiots.
voiceover: these are your lungs:

voiceover: these are your lungs on cigarettes:

[www.fotosearch.com]
[background: music list--> play Breathe]
voiceover: Smoke inhalation, from house fires, can kill you by damaging your lungs. Why would you inhale smoke intentionally?

[www.fotosearch.com]
voiceover: These are tobacco company executives. your good money goes to them. watch them TESTIFY!


They might say "Smoking doesn't cause cancer." What they don't tell you is "Smokers cause cancer to themselves and others."
[background: music list--> play You are in my System]
voiceover: When they were researching cigarettes, it wasn't to find out if they cause cancer, it was to see if nicotine was addictive and how to increase the amount of nic in the mix. As if that wasn't enough, they've added a list of other man-made chemicals like yummy formaldehyde. Why?
Cuz they're experimenting on YOU, and you're paying for it, chump!
Ever feel like you're being manipulated? Ya! We know.

[www.fotosearch.com]

voiceover: Remember Montezuma's revenge? That's nothing compared to tobacco. Europeans nearly killed off the American aboriginals, but Tonto's boys got one back on whitey. Some Native Americans used the smoking of tobacco to celebrate peace treaties (you know, the ones that we broke all the time). As we do, we took the ritual out of it, and abused the weed to death, literally.
Brought to you by the same wizards who ground up the coca leaf into a powder and shoved it up your noses!

[www.fotosearch.com]

natural justice:
The government can make the tobacco dons testify in front of them, but nobody in the government cares when the dons lie.
"Smoking doesn't cause cancer" RIIIIIght!
"We don't spike cigarettes." SUUUUUre!
Pull the middle one. Why can't anybody actually prove them guilty of selling chemical sticks in the guise of cigarettes?
CORRUPTION is the answer, and that includes that of the Societies whose research we blindly fund.

public administration:
The right hand doesn't know what the left hand is doing (tax comes in to one hand, but even more goes out of the other as expenditure):
It doesn't matter that smoke addicts cost every country 10% of GDP.
Smokes and lobbyists are good for business.
Smoking businesses pay (off) the government in taxes and funding. So, they stay.
Besides, if people stop smoking, the government will go into withdrawl; cash withdrawl.
[Guardian newspaper]

All that we've got now to continue the fight for public health is the stupid messages on packs. A lot of good that does!

Most people can't read Spanish, but here are a few choice curses:
Hoder!
Hijos de puta!
Cabrones de mierda!
Companias de asesinos.
Palos de cancer.


[www.fotosearch.com]

chemical-based life philosophy:
Smokers got all the answers. There's a drug for every situation. Even if fags make their dicks droop, they would just get a prescription for Viagra. Smoking protects! Rumour has it that, in Athens, smoking is considered to be an inoculation against the smog.
[Guardian newspaper]

the human condition:
Is there an antidote for early death? for the ultimate death wish? hmmm.
AND THE STINK? YA, you stink and you can't smell it yourself, otherwise you wouldn't be able to stand yourself.

anthropology 3:
When it all comes down to it, let's follow a Darwinist maxim: Idiots will die at their own hands. Just don't breed!
[Note: most pics here royalty-free from www.fotosearch.com]

Pucker up that anus

[Times online]

I know that I sully myself by talking about this show, but I wanna, okay?
I was somewhat curious about the mix of people, so I watched a few minutes here and there. That's all I can stand because of two natural reflexes:
Within 2 minutes, reflex 1 kicked in. I thought, look at the stupid surroundings. Look at the stupid tricks they make them do. Look at the pettiness of what they show on tv.
Then the next reflex kicks in and I think "what do these people have to gain?" Most of them are famous already and rich. "Are they truly whores for the attention?"
That's a big YUP, pilgrim!
They'll do anything if the camera zooms in on their puckered hynies. It figures that the sociopath, Ulrika the Breakdown Queen, won the thing when you get a whiff of the people who were interested enough in the result to spend money on it. It's the old what's-going-on-over-the-fence mentality.
PSST! It's not real, mates & lasses!

Don't they realise that they've been cheated? Frayed knot.
Their mental age is 9 years & 3 months.
["fantastic journey", indeed. Find it on the music list -->]

why the British read so much

Although this could refer to a large proportion of British people. Blighty with 70 million residents has the same market for books as the US with 4 times the residents. So, this is of importance to publishers. So, pay attention. [music list --> play 'paperback writer']
The people in question are akin to the i-Podders, shutting out the world around them. However, I'm NOT referring to the habit of ignoring others when in public which is a mainstay of any urban dweller's life. Researchers have said that city people have to ignore most of what goes on around them because otherwise their minds would become overloaded. So, we're not talking about that. [music list --> play 'the Passenger']
My main purpose is to discuss why Brits like to read so much when they could be doing something else valuable. We all know that reading enlivens the mind and particularly the imagination. This is something that tellie actually destroys. So, readers have a lively imagination and they enjoy feeding it. However, what about the benefits of being with and interacting with other people. [music list --> play 'I'm bored']
I have the feeling that they typically view others to some degree as a threat. Perhaps they'll be a threat to their safety, their equilibrium, or who knows. Nevertheless, they are most often not willing to chance it. I think that in this way they recede from life, from emotion, from passion.

You say 'emotion' or 'passion' and they think you're either a drunkard, a druggie, a sex fiend, a womaniser, or______[other perversion here].

[music list --> play 'standing in the way of control']
Another reason why the Brits read is that they are rejecting the world of politics. They know what's right, and they know what's right is rarely what happens. I can see that they're so accustomed to their politicians being a pile of lying, self-serving bastards, that they just tune them out, lest they become homicidal with rage, which helps no one. This happens even though electing a major bastard like Bliar can do quite a bit of harm to the country and its image. It's hard to find someone here who is interested at all.
[music list --> play 'Dead man's party'']

London Short Film Festival, short report

short films IN London, not ABOUT London

short attention span? no problem

This went on for 10 days, but not 24:7. Anyway, I only saw two composite shows, because I still have a job.
[music list --> as I tell you the plots, play 'Give it away']

day 1
Friday 16th Jan : God's Lonely Men night
I fit the bill, so I went.
at National Portrait Gallery (awesome building and contents, by the way)
All the producers were there except for the last one (much the same for day 2).
The main male characters were introduced as 'some really twisted dudes'. I must concur. [music list --> play 'used to be alright']

the flix

The Constant Father- Abusive father dies. Son had avoided father as an adult. Son still has flashbacks. Son feels he's now turning into his father. Best part is last 10 seconds.
Foto- Unbelievable story of man who drops out of society for months only to find himself being photographed by someone doing immoral things like paedo and murder. He says they're not real, but then he kills, and then the next film roll is ready. What'd you say?
Team Sleep- Man in small Irish town moves into new house to find the church next door rings its massive bells from 6 am every day. His efforts to rid himself of the problem get him murdered. Church is presented as being a mafia, and yet the whole town is complicit. Is this an allegory on the negative role of the Church in Eire? Shot in Gaelic.
Boy- 40ish family man with boring gardening job befriended by local boy in Yorkshire. Old guy is gay wanker, literally; the boy, as it turns out, is not. Man cries.
Inseparable- or should I say inexplicable. Seems like a woman marries one of two identical twins, the other being a drunk. Seems like the paternity results show the drunk is the father, so, the twins trade clothes and places. Say what?
Madrugada (dawn)- Son kicked out of army, goes to help his knock-down-drunk father run his hotel, with sheep for tenants, which has apparently been claimed by the council.
[music list --> play 'hotel yorba']


day 2
Saturday 17 Jan Femmes Fantastiques
at the Institute of Contemporary Art on the Mall
in the shadow of the latest Gaza protest
I missed one film, but here goes anyway:

the chix

The Escort - Good story of a government minder of children in trouble. Single mom tries to help young prostitute who, in turn, sets her up for a robbery. The mother's work role means that she gives too much time and concern to other kids, making her daughter jealous. All is patched up at the end. Note: Lead females both got awards tonight, deservedly.
Lillie- An old lady, whose only excitement is a visit from a care worker, daydreams about the post-war party where she met her (now) deceased husband, as she plays an old 78 rpm disc. Interesting to see a depiction of a senior woman who has a vibrant inner life and passion, which in her time meant the desire to dance with a bloke, and to get married.
[music list --> play 'somebody to love']
Look what you've done to my heart- Another secretive film. It seems like a young woman leaves her partner at home and goes out searching for somebody to impregnate her. I suppose her man cannot do that and they want a kid. I could be completely wrong about this.
Model artist- the producer plays artist and model in this panto which has a burlesque segment and a electro-pop segment. She's a fine-looking woman, flashing a bit of buttock. Film is otherwise kind of abstract, but cute.
[music list --> 'squeeze box']
We call her daisy- A young pregnant woman is followed as her boring day unfolds. She only has one aunt who talks to her and yearns for communication. Turns out she's pregnant by a young goof who frequents her store. One night she has a miscarriage and yet she can't part with the body for a few days. It actually pulled back from being overly shlocky and ended up being moving as a picture of a miserable modern lonely life, but her dealing with the body was seriously creepy. I had to pull back from the illusion.
Ruby- Modern Red-riding Hood tale with bad guy dressed as Granny. A good chuckle. You had a sense that the granny was grooming her tough granddaughter for the struggles of life. A timely swipe is also taken at the banks.

Postscript

Not much fat in these films, but many don't develop the story enough for there to be the big 'a-ha' moment, so they're confusing. I'm not a fan of that school. Some good production values and they're done by whole teams. There were over 1000 entries to choose from, so you'll need more than a camera, Young Speilberg.

checkitout: http://www.shortfilms.org.uk/