[UNDER CONSTRUCTION]
Although
journalism professors the world over may find that only an
academic can
analyse politics and the
media. However, many years from now, they will have to admit that
comedy, particularly the stuff below, will have been the
pinnacle of
public critique of the
Bush43 administration and its
courtiers (by that I mean Washington "journalists").
This is an old video, from 2006, I think. The Washington press corp dinner, where people get to lampoon the media and politicians at the same time. Colbert savaged everybody in the room.
If you see the video (below), the look on Bush's face is :
"Gitmo. Colbert. Gitmo. Colbert. Why am I thinking this? Oh, ya. Let's send Colbert to Gitmo. Must smile stupidly for the crowd."
Also, find the youtube where Bush's wife, his first line of defense, tells Colbert to "
get f$^%&(&ed". I don't think the Roman gladiatorial fights were any bloodier. [Bush43 shat himself so bad that in 2007, he invited Rich Little who hasn't been funny in 2 decades.]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSE_saVX_2A
Here's a transcript:
[
my comments- Cos67]
SUVs out front, could you please move them? They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof SUVs, and they need to get out.
Wow! Wow, what an honor! The White House Correspondents' dinner. To actually -- to sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what? I'm a pretty sound sleeper; that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face. Is he really not here tonight?[
Cheney, who shot his "friend" in the face] Damn it! The one guy who could have helped.
By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything else at their tables, just speak slowly and clearly into your table numbers. Someone from the
NSA will be right over with a cocktail
[spying is the norm, thank you very much].
Mark Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Madame First Lady, Mr. President, my name is Stephen Colbert, and tonight it is my privilege to celebrate this president, ‘cause we're not so different, he and I. We both get it. Guys like us, we're not some brainiacs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the
factinista. We go straight from the gut
[Bush43 doctrine]. Right, sir?
That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut
[where Bush43's brain is, when it's not up his butt]. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. Now, I know some of you are going to say, "I did look it up, and that's not true." That's 'cause you looked it up in a book. Next time, look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works.
Every night on my show, The Colbert Report, I speak straight from the gut, okay? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the "
No Fact Zone."
[boot to the head for Fox] FOX News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one,
I believe in America [That was Bush43 doctrine. "when all else failed to shut up the journalists, Bush43 said..."] I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states, and I cannot wait to see how the Washington Post spins
[spin doctors!] that one tomorrow.
I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export
[out the barrel of a gun, as any democrat would do.]. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out of plastic for three cents a unit
[our reliance on Chinese slave labour]. As a matter of fact, Ambassador Zhou Wenzhong, welcome. Your great country makes our Happy Meals possible
[false respect from a sold-out nation]. I said it's a celebration.
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq
[unexpected but mild nose tweak].
I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible. I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical!
And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
[Bush43's crusade against Gog, Magog and Eggnog]Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter.
Most of all, I believe in this president
[here it comes]. Now, I know there are some polls out there saying that this man has a 32% approval rating
[bitch slap]. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality."
[reverse psychology] And reality has a well-known liberal bias
[the media is liberal]. So, Mr. President, please, please, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir, pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty
[zing. One deflated gasbag]. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash
[Even Bush's diehard fans are flotsam]. Okay.
Look, folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull before a comeback
[the great American story]. I mean, it's like the movie Rocky. Alright? The President, in this case, is Rocky Balboa
[the metaphors are awesome. Let's observe.], and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world. It's the tenth round. He's bloodied. His corner man, Mick, who in this case, I guess, would be the Vice President, he's yelling, "Cut me, Dick, cut me!" And every time he falls, everyone says, "Stay down, Rocky! Stay down!" But does he stay down? No. Like Rocky, he gets back up, and in the end he -- actually loses
[yup. uh-huh.] in the first movie. Okay, doesn't matter. Doesn’t matter.
The point is it is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face , so don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say that 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing?
[reverse psyche bitch slap.] Think about it. I haven't...
And I just like the guy. He's a good Joe, obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees
[bitch slap]. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman
[she bites]. But I just have one beef, ma'am. I'm sorry, but this reading initiative
[first lady fluff. She should start with her husband]. I'm sorry, I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist, telling us what is or isn't true or what did or didn't happen. Who's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American! I'm with the President. Let history decide what did or did not happen
[one of Bush43's best lines. "After the apocalypse, I will be vindicated."].The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will
[He's an inflexible idiot figurehead].
And as excited as I am to be here with the President, I am appalled to be surrounded by the
liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of FOX News
[off-the-radar rich-boy right-wing]. FOX News gives you both sides of every story: the President's side, and the Vice President's side
[look no further, lazy journos].
But the rest of you, what are you thinking? Reporting on
NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are
secret for a very important reason: they're
super-depressing [why not talk about a moviestar's drug habit, or sex habit. Now that's interesting, eh?]. And if that's your goal, well,
misery accomplished.
Over the last five years you people were so good, over
tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming.
We Americans didn't want to know [reverse -psyche slam dunk. I think Americans wanted to know!?], and you had the courtesy not to try to find out.
Those were good times, as far as we knew.
[ignorance is bliss. That's Big Media's motto.]But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The President makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the
intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to
stand up to the administration? You know,
fiction!
[Bruce-Lee style kick to the nuts.]Because, really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So, the White House has personnel changes. And then you write, "Oh, they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic." First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring! If anything, they are
rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg!
[good, burning skies metaphor. Gog and magog. Bush43's favourite twins.]Now, it's not all bad guys out there. There are some of the heroes out there tonight: Christopher Buckley, Jeff Sacks, Ken Burns, Bob Schieffer. I’ve interviewed all of them. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I appreciate it. I was just as shocked as everyone here is, I promise you. How's Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can just bump him. And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.
See who we've got here tonight. We’ve got General Moseley, Air Force Chief of Staff. We’ve got General Peter Pace, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff. They still support
Rumsfeld. Right, you guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld. Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these
retired generals causing all this trouble:
[Retired generals can complain about the president. Working generals would have become fired generals if they did likewise.] Don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys. I've seen Zinni in that crowd on Wolf Blitzer. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you’re strong enough to stand on a
bank of computers and
order men into battle.
[brave generals hiding behind their computers. Napoleon would piss on them.] Come on!
Jesse Jackson is here, the Reverend. Haven't heard from the Reverend in just a little while. I had him on the show. It was a very interesting interview, very challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a
glacier.
Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is. [Bush's environmental policy. "What? Me, worry? That's his only policy, actually]
Justice Scalia is here. Justice Scalia, may I be the first to say, “Welcome, sir!” You look fantastic! How are you? (He makes an obscene Italian gesture). Just talking some Sicilian with my paisan...
John McCain is here. John McCain, what a
maverick! Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you it wasn't a salad fork. This guy could have used a spoon! There's no predicting him.
[the fake maverick, so that people can be tricked into voting Republican again. I guess it didn't work.] By the way, Senator McCain, it's so wonderful to see you coming back into the Republican fold. I’ve actually got a summer house in South Carolina. Look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light, sir.
Mayor Nagin! Mayor Nagin is here from
New Orleans, the chocolate city! Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I'd like to welcome you to
Washington, D.C., the chocolate city with a marshmallow center and a graham cracker crust of corruption.
[run by whites, for whites. and corrupt. I wonder if bush43 realised that this was about him.]It's a Mallomar, I guess, is what I'm describing, is a Mallomar. It’s a seasonal cookie.
Joe Wilson is here. Joe Wilson, right down here in front, the most famous husband since Desi Arnaz. And, of course, he brought along his lovely wife
Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said? Ay, gee monetti! I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife “Joe Wilson's wife.”
[the bush government's outing of a spy which is a treasonable offense. No charges laid. No problem.] Patrick Fitzgerald is not here tonight, right? Okay, dodged a bullet.
And, of course, we can't forget the man of the hour, new press secretary, Tony Snow. Secret Service name: "Snow Job." Toughest job. What a hero! Took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq. Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else. McClellan, of course, eager to retire, really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children.
Now, Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir. I was vying for the job myself. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape, and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference.
Colbert v Bush?
Bush, thumbs down.
Colbert? high fives.
-Cos67 8^P
