10 scariest tv scenes of all time

Byline: 3D scariness and savageness produced by the Ministry of Violence

I esplain to you: Many channels in the UK do top 100 shows to fill in their schedules. One of the latest was the hundred scariest movie scenes. This is my ode to them:

On your tv. In your home. served up for you. Blood, guts and death.
you probably don't even realise that people are suffering, the producers do such a good
job of presenting it as entertainment.
They deserve awards, each of the news programmes listed below:

Starting of with number ten, with a bullet

# 10 Phosporus raining down on Fallujah, 2004
BBC Nightly news

Rocketing up from Hell:
# 9 Phosporus raining down on Gaza, 2009
Sky News

8 Agent orange hits Vietnamese village, 1972
CBS
Naked kids running in the streets with burning flesh.

7 Neutron bomb on Hiroshima, 1945
Newsreel
-before, during and after
-body parts falling off
-barbequed skin.

6 coming soon , with photos

5

4

3

2

1

-C

British case for invading Iraq: WMD in a bag

Byline: Former PM goes from plotting war (bloody),
to peaceifying the Middle-East (failure),
to handbag* salesman

The Iraq Inquiry, presently going on in London, is slowly revealing the things that we already know about how the Iraq plotters

(Smiley and Monkey Boy)

pulled their high-school prank on the world, complete with juvenile skullduggery, plagiarism and "Well...Sadam started it" stories.

What we didn't know is that PM Blair had secret knowledge of Niger intelligence on

'newly' acquired mobile Iraqi WMD delivery systems
(last seen used in WW2 Hawaii by Mata Hari),

from a source deep within MI6, the MP Cell (see video below).

The secret weapon possessed by Saddam Hussein?
A hidden tactical nuclear weapon capable of striking at close range,

within 45 minutes.

Hidden where, you ask?

why, in handbags, of course.
Mighty close! very mobile!
The MP Cell demonstrates:

I know this sounds weird, but the former prime minister of the UK, Anthony Blair has been hired by a company that makes, amongst other things, handbags; not to mention their champagne, the brandy and DeBeers (they of the 'blood diamond trade'). The company, Louis Vuitton Moet Hennessey (LVMH), must have great powers of persuasion, having also taken Mikhail Gorbachev on its books.

h-mmm!
Former world leaders just ...selling ridiculously expensive or unethical stuff?
orrrr a public front for the new world order?

Balderdash, you say?

That's the password at the front door at LVMH: Balderdash.

-Cos67 ~(%^D>

* purses, for North Americans

checkitout:
Tanya Gold So Tony Blair has found his natural home- selling handbags.... The Guardian G2 pg5 Tuesday 12 Jan, 2010

some quotations: (copyright, the Guardian)

-'Louis Vuitton spent the war years, according to Stephanie Bonvinci in her book...manufacturing busts of Marshal Petain for Nazi collaborators to use as doorstops, or weapons.'
-'De Beers diamonds-which was implicated by the UN in the diamond wars in the Congo.'
-'the man who rebranded the Labour movement also loved to rebrand himself.'
-"he took us further into the temple of pointless greed and consumerism. The gulf between rich and poor became a chasm."
-"[Alastair] Campbell writes...'TB was wearing Nicole Farhi shoes, ludicrous-looking lilac-coloured pyjama-style trousers and a blue smock,'...'I said he looked like Austin Powers.' "

'pop' is the sound of S. Cowell's ego exploding

Even though this is a tempest in a tea-cup, I think it's one great slam-dunk in the face of manufactured culture.

The Business plan goes like this:

Simon Cowell starts a talent show.
Simon Cowell signs various of the 'artists' (see them in video1).
Simon Cowell gives the winner a song to sing, so that he/she/it can top the charts at Christmas, the biggest sales period.
Simon Cowell makes money from all of the above.
Simon Cowell 'owns' the Christmas number one, four years running. or should I say 'owned'?

UNTIL this year! It's been announced, a Facebook campaign to buy up Rage Against the Machine's single from 1992 (particularly for its anti-establishment content) has given the now defunct band the CHRISTMAS NUMBER ONE in the UK.

The music charts are of no consequence, especially in these serious times. Also, look at the 350 000 fools who actually bought Cowell's cowpatties at 4 quid each! Don't they have any brains? Aren't they sick of hearing the same old crap in a slightly different guise? Don't they feel manipulated?*

Being that Rage Against the Machine is a band which is much more interested in making people wise to our sick society than the average band, I think they were a good choice (I've named my other blog after one of their songs).

I was glad to see that the single 'Killing in the Name' was being sold for 30 pence, so as not to make much money for Sony. For their part, the band will donate the winnings to Shelter, which is a charity dedicated to providing housing for the poor, in the UK for example.

Which charities does the multi-millionnaire Cowell fund?

Here's the song, chock full of profanity directed at those who would control our behaviour (i.e. conning us into buying sh*tty records). I think that the song reacts to the politeness which is forced upon us every day and which makes us perfect victims for bosses, business and government.

"Fl%&*k you, I won't do what you tell me"

Karoake never felt so good!

-->the lip-sync version



--> the live, audience sing-along version


-Cos67 ~(%^D>
* The music business, far from being about the rebellion that it seems to represent, is all about Robin-Hood-in-reverse redistribution of wealth from the poor-and-stupid to the rich and musical. That's why I never pay full price for any music, preferring car boot sales and charity shop specials. Musicians don't need my help.

the school of iitchi & saatchi

Byline: School of Saatchi show helps Modernist art trip off its own plinth.

It's amazing how an innocent copy-cat show, feeding off the reality frenzy may actually lead to the art world getting back some semblance of balance between innovation and 'talent'.

If Modernist art is a reaction to the drudgery of old-fart art, like Monet and Manet,

then its driving force is certainly Mon-ey.

However, it has to articulate its raison d'etre, sooner or later. It cannot just be

'I hate that technically-brilliant sh*t'.

However, in this time of rampant bullsh*t in all spheres public, especially in nodes of power and money, modernist artists have avoided being pidgeon-holed themselves, probably because they can feel the rubber glove of shame passing nearby. However, there is a maxim in life that I live by:

As they shat on others, they too shall be shat upon.
It should be in the Bible.

They've pocketed a lot of money in a market driven by investment and investors, like Charles Saatchi. They made their field, their own mythology and their shit did not even stink. They knew that avoiding description was as important as avoiding death. I think these artists' luck is running out, though.

Once the rebels become the institution, then they're ready to get knocked off. Their egos and bank accounts are inflated, and their annihilation is coming, as others can start smelling blood.
I'll give you an example. It's been uncovered that the 'rampant sales figures' of Damien Hirst have been faked by his agent and a particular gallery, in order to keep his prices up.
[pics coming soon]
When British tv put on the School of Saatchi, they used some of the vilified installation artists, like Tracey Emin [pics soon] to judge and critique new, rising artists, and they put some necks in the guillotine, those of the installation artists. (I'll soon post some of the well-considered criticism later)
The basis of it is that when Emin says: "that's a piece of crap", she should know what she's talking about, having been the generator of so much of that sort of stuff herself.
When the chosen professional art critics asked the 'new' artists 'what's the thinking behind the art' before passing judgement on a piece, then they're saying that art is supposed to be an intellectualisation of the world not an expression of passion. In other words, it's not about art, but about 'me so crafty'. Therefore, because modern art now has a defineable belief system, it's a movement like any other, and a piss-poor one, at that.

I think it all started with a French artist's urinal (below). The piss receptacle was presented as art; not as form following function, which would have been more intelligent, just as a reaction to art that actually required talent, or the ability to actually make some handiwork. This guy just went to Plumbings R Us and asked for the ceramics department and then scribbled something on the stand-up unit, in marker. [this begs a feminist response: piddling standing up. Ever seen that at parties?]

-Cos67 ~(%^D>

UPDATE:
a writer named muema (see his explanation below in the 'comments') has advised me that the French artist was Marcel Duchamp .
I think he'll agree that what he said proved that modern/Modernist art is far too intellectual and they were more concerned about showing intellect rather than artistic ability or vision, or even passion. They're a bunch of cold fish.

ALSO: in looking for a pic of the Yur-I-nal (as it's pronounced over here) in question, I found this interesting explanation on found art: [comments- Cos67]
"In 1917, when Marcel Duchamp presented a urinal—which he had christened Fountain—as a signed piece of art, he was reacting to the horror of the First World War [ya! it's a Messerschmidt urinal. Get it?-xD Cos67] and the utter collapse of the gentlemanly notions of progress [urinal is better than piss-pot, you know? especially once it's been hooked up to the plumbing- Cos67], beauty and aesthetics that accompanied the slaughter of the generation. [Well, in that case, I hope he chose a used urinal, nice and stinky, with cigarette butts and gum in it. A soldier's skull with a helmet and cigarette would have worked better. or a akak gun shooting blood. -Cos67] Fountain was notorious, and the art world was aghast. Interpretations of Duchamp’s work, and the whole concept of found art, were flowing as freely as an overflowing toilet. But when is a urinal not a urinal? And if it isn’t a urinal, what the hell is it? Fountain was a symbol of ambiguity in very ambiguous times [nice piece of philosophical bullshit]; it is whatever the viewer’s reaction makes it. [How about that for arse-backwards. Now, instead of examining the art, you gotta spend more time examining your own feelings or looking at the people around you in the gallery. Sociopathic sh*t, man. -Cos67] That is the nature of found art."
[otherwise known as 'look what the cat dragged in'-xD Cos67]
[Nick Mamatas on http://www.gadflyonline.com/10-08-01/art-devilphoto.html]
I still see this as a branch of realia, and not art.

I'm confused. Muema said it was a reaction against art critics! I think the common message to both warmongers and art critics is

"piss on yuz all!" or more simply, "piss off!".
It's the metaphorical equivalent of
the ancient British insult of throwing
the contents of a piss-pot on someone you hate.
The man is brilliant.

--> on http://www.artnewsblog.com/2004/12/duchamps-urinal.htm
e.g. "[Fountain, the] ready-made urinal has been voted the most influential work of art of all time by 500 art experts."

checkitout:
BBC documentary: The Quest for Beauty

Venice mayor floods out the tourists

[pic- Turner]
The mayor of Venice has been on record saying that he wants day-tourists to get out of 'his' city.

In contrast, tourists want the pidgeons to get out of town, and for the penny-pinching mayor to get their guano off San Marco square.

They both got their wish recently, thanks to global warming, when the city was flooded.
[pic- ecoscraps.com]

This limited the tourists and cleaned up the god-awful aviary-refuse stench. Floor wax, anyone?

Note:
Did you know this city is actually an engineering freak show? Because the islands that make up Venice are little more than sand dunes, every building is ON STILTS. The fronts of buildings are facades which are separate from the rest of the box, so that both can move separately!

-Cos67 ~(%^D>

pissing on war monument saves man's life

Byline: young British chap pisses on war memorial, gets arrested and is given community service order. He's REEEALLY sorry.

This event, though really crass, has saved this young fellow many times over.

Firstly, they've shown up a gap between the youth (who see war as an inevitable continuum of spilt blood) and old war-vets (who believe that dead soldiers protected us from danger) on the importance of war memorials. They're everywhere. The Europeans have fought so many stupid wars that perfectly good parkland and parking lots have been filled with ugly cement plinths.

Where's a guy supposed to have a slash in public?
You can't even swing a liquor bottle without hitting a gargoyled depiction of a victim of history.

[pic- ancient wars]

[pic- Vietnamese wars]

[pic- some statues make you feel like going wee-wee]

[pic- some statues even fight back]
Perhaps it's inevitable. Young man sees 'Leaking Lad' his whole life, and on one drunken evening, he acts out on his desire to have himself be immortalised, pissing.

Next, this young man learned that if you can't handle the notoriety, then don't do crazy sh*t in a country full of surveillance cameras and mobile phones. I thought he was going to ride his fame onto Big Brother, or X-Factor, the Jungle or some other Pissing Contest.

The event probably scared the guy off of doing anything outrageous, or even getting piss-drunk in public ever again. To your health, dude!

I think his pink underwear has outed the young man. I don't know which part of this story is going to freak his parents more. Now he doesn't have to go through the uncomfortable conversation where his parents have to stifle their disappointment, and he can make a clean break.

Lastly, a proctologist from the BMA has said that his weak urine stream is indicative of prostate trouble. He could be elligible for corrective surgery. He could then continue to piss happily for decades to come.

See? Sometimes the Lord works in mysterious ways.

-Cos67 ~(%^D>
pics -fotosearch.com

sex Haikus are catching on

[pic- paper shortage in Japan. Nerve.com]

As you can see from my Twit account, I'm a new convert to the joys of Haiku. I think it's Islamic philosophy that says something like, when everyone is constrained, then only true brilliance will shine. So, limiting yourself to a 5-3-5 or 7-5-7 syllable count is a way of getting rid of excess language and making you think hard. Below, haiku is being used to make fun of (U.S.) Republican sex scandals, of which there are many, it seems. This is fun for Democrats because the Republicans (GOP) spent years trying to get rid of President Billy Clinton of Arkansas because his aid, Monica, put the lip-lock on his peter and he risked impeachment for it because he left proof, in the form of spunk, on her dress.

from alternet:
Joshua Holland on GOP Sex scandal and Haiku technique

This is pretty funny -- the folks at TPM are asking readers to send them haiku based on their favorite GOP sex scandals. All good, clean holiday fun for the whole family.

Poetry's not my bag but I figured I'd give it the old college try. So, reaching for some low-hanging fruit, I came up with this:

Hot Summer toe-tap

Dull lay-over, need relief

Oh, no, officer

Have at it in the comments.

Update: there are certainly different forms of haiku (and you don't have to limit yourself -- they're doing limericks in the comments), but the traditional anglicized version is 3 lines, with 5 syllables, 7 syllables and 5 syllables respectively. And if you want to be a purist, try to work in a kigo, or seasonal reference.
--end of story
[dr copyright Mike Peters]

The joys of Haiku and the joys of sex
Banzai, xo tare'!

-Cos67 ~(%^D>

checkitout:
http://www.alternet.org/blogs/peek/144233/try_your_hand%3A_gop_sex_scandal_haiku!
http://tpmmuckraker.talkingpointsmemo.com/2009/11/the_best_sex-scandal_haikus.php?ref=mblt

Guernica was used to support war

[pic- guernica ac-nancy-metz.fr]

The East London's Whitechapel Gallery became famous in 1939 for receiving a version of Picasso's Guernica (see video below), which was made to remind the world of the slaughter of innocent people in the Basque town of Gernica by Franco's Spanish fascists.
More recently, after the re-opening of the gallery this year, Goshka Macuga built an installation that looked like a Museum of Guernica's history. It's the first useful installation I've ever seen. They're usually monuments to ego and waste. But, this one included examples of the use of the printed word to incite violence, in the form of the purjury-laiden Case against Iraq which was read to the UN by Colon Powell. It's almost as dodgey as Tony Blair's plagiarised dosier.

Anyway, he/she put across the idea that Guernica was used by the local Communist party to get people to sign up to fight Franco. That may be true, but it seems that it could have also represented the general fight against fascism. It may have thus softened people up to go to war against Germany.

It seems odd how a piece of anti-war art ended up stoking the fires of armageddon.

Macuga's installation is called "the nature of the beast". I can see that this artist has understood how blood-thirsty people are. You tell them "don't kill" and they go off and kill.
That would seem to make sense to Slavoj Zizek, the philosopher. He has shown repeatedly how so much of what we try to do for our own good ends up being used to beat us over the head.
[pic- Guernica/ part. foothilltech.org]

The road to hell is paved with good intentions...and art.

-Cos67 ~(%^D>

animals out of time and place

[pic- the aggrieved tree]
[pic- the perpetrator]

The jailing of animals for ...acting naturally, is the next big reality show.
This is a simple story. Animals, which once ruled the wilds of Britain, are more typically found in wildlife parks, as was this beaver, Mrs B (an inmate at Paradise Wildlife Park in Broxbourne). She had the temerity to escape by digging through a pond.
To make matters worse, she attacked a golf course. The nerve! Will those animals never learn not to mess with OUR environment?

When it comes down to it, who cares?
even if you ask golfers, who can be bitches,
who cares if a beaver chews on a tree on a golf course?
Beavers gnaw on trees. Get over it!

Why is necessary to lock this animal up for acting naturally?

We musn't forget, beavers are a protected species. They're protected, in nature reserves; protected from US! We've taken their land and lifestyle. Wow! I just had an idea; we did the same to the antipodean and American aboriginals.

Watch how easily we consume the language of jail and criminality as they're applied to a wild animal. Our control over nature is getting just too anally-retentive.

Last question: How the hell did they recognise a missing beaver?
Oh...she's the only one.
CSI Hertfordshire was thinking
"Just wait. One day she'll chew on a tree, somebody will bitch and then we'll nab 'er."

Last comment: The cultural reference for the tired commuters reading Lite (now defunct) was the Caddyshack movie, a Shakespeare ouvre. In it, a rodent gofer bespoiled the pristine, anal, surroundings of ...yes, a golf course.

Advert: Come play a round at Anal-land golf course. We manicure nature, and drain the water table, so that you can play, without having to fear attack from animals, all you tired, cart-riding, brain-dead suburban managers skiving off work.

Moto: Golf, the game of intellectuals.
[pic- oklahomaprogressivevoice.org]

UPDATE:
This from the Scottish brethren of Mrs. B, the 10 hi-tech, chipped beavers wreaking havoc in the Highlands, from the Guardian
http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2009/dec/06/beavers-scotland-controversy-tim-adams

Return of the dammed

-Cos67 ~(%^D>
checkitout:
London Lite Nov 13, 2009 Ken Widdop Fore! Er no, gnaw! Beaver chews up golf course after escape from captivity

visit Tate Britain Gallery and the Turner Prize stuff

[see the twitter tweet on the right]

As you may be able to imagine, I like writing about stuff, but I've avoided art, because artists are usually up their own butts all day. Anyway, here goes:

Gilbert and George showed how it's possible to make art that is at once gay and very penile-centred. Shocking. They screw (literally) with religious symbolism, family trees, anything.
[pic- a less-racy Gilbert & George work]

JWM Turner's works are all over the place. He was kept quite busy. I noticed that many of his Thames scenes had animals, like deer, wandering around. When's the last time anyone saw an animal of any size wandering near the Thames? It brought up an idea I've been chewing over. Beyond the hunting and general me-ism of everybody that makes wild animals totally expendible (I'll do another story soon), we've taken away most of their habitat.
The worst of all these things we do is the dual carriage-way (you ever see any carriages? neigh.) or highway. It makes no allowances for animals that want to go from here to there by crossing the road. It's impossible.
I've always said the Brits have too many highways and they're always under construction.

There was a painting that was mostly black and it was called 'black painting'. Naughty boy.

There was a Rothco-type painting, honestly called 'lines of paint' or something. Accuracy. Well done, my son. It's like a dance choreographer who once admitted 'life cannot be represented in dance'. It's the same with abstract splotches of paint. It's just bullsh*t, with a label on it, and it only works if you've got some art critics in your pocket. The best mind f&*()k is the ones called "unnamed". The artist just couldn't keep a straight face when the gallery owner Saatchi was writing out a cheque for 2 million currency units. He forgets to christen his ouevre and says "Here. Take it, before you change your mind," thinking 'I gotta give a royalty cheque to my favourite art critics. I owe it all to them'. xD

There was an interesting brass & wood crib toy hanging from the ceiling.

There was some sticks of wood stuck in plexiglass.

The Turner Prize show surprised me. I'd seen past shows from afar and rejected the stuff as post-intelligent crap.
[pic-Tracey Emin.conquests without a bedpost]
This year, some stuff actually made sense to me, dumb sh*t that I am. Three out of the four of them actually approached reality with a refreshing perspective, instead of being about the internals of the artist's anus.
The big themes were temporariness, mortality, loss of control and re-use. The explanations actually helped a bit, as did a 3-minute video from each artist.
Enrico David talked about the weakness of language for expressing stuff, but he was pretty good with language, if too intellectual.
One big clash for me was intellect versus feeling. One of the artists was right up her own backside, talking about stuff that only she and her tutor understood. She made no attempt to reach out to people and was begging us "look at me, I'm a spectacle". Waste of time.
The other three had something that moved the occasional soular molecule and caused some synapses to fire.
[pic- Enrico David]

Altogether, it was a rather sexually-charged happening.
I was expecting some dead-ass recluses in black
wandering around, clearing their phlegm.

Actually, there were some excited nubile ladies there.
It seemed like a mating ritual
with the art being the Viagra.
Me being neurotic, all I did was think about it.

There were cards for displaying your thoughts and most of the wankers there were cheering on one of the artists. Goofy idiots.
You can also write a comment for the 'cloud' on their website, but the only words allowed were from a list. A big problem with validity! But I had cunning fun with it anyway and sent it to my Twitter (see tweet on the right and follow #TurnerPrize and see what the other twats wrote).
Alas, it wasn't a haiku, but WFT.

-Cos67 ~(%^D>