Sunday, 23 February 2014

This "band" only gets better with age

A particular band of performance artists known as
Pussy Riot have stoked my humour gland but not
my boner.
They're so funny, in general how they ape rap
artists, and do stupid sh*t to get attention.
How's that Cossack whip there, gals. The fans
from their latest show in Sochi.

Anyway, not every anchorperson on tv can
say the word PUSSY without clearing their
throat a few times. So, Boing boing has
provided some alternatives that I must say
are not much more PC. Anyway. I'll
add my own soon. Enjoy the pussy:


25 Synonyms for 'Pussy Riot,' for news presenters who'd really rather not to say 'pussy' on-air
Xeni Jardin at 7:43 am Sat, Feb 22, 2014
The outlaw Russian activist organization Pussy Riot reportedly chose their name as a clever troll: one of the group's members said she thought it'd be a way to provide a little fun for English-speakers who followed their story. And she was right. Every time I see CNN's Wolf Blitzer say "Pussy Riot," or hear a dry NPR anchor's voice intone those two words, I think I'm going to die laughing. Pussy Riot finally managed to do what generations of feminists before them could not: they normalized the word "pussy."

But I asked Twitter to help me come up with some more "polite" synonyms for news anchors who still wince when they have to say the p-word on-air. Here's the list, some of which are my own, some of which others must take blame for.

• Vagina Riot
• Cuntastrophe
• Cooter Commotion
• Ladybits Rampage
• Vajayjay Melee
• Birth Canal Brouhaha
• Hoo-hah Kerfuffle
• Beefdrape Diatribe
• Frontbottom Fracas
• Labial Lawlessness
• Rosebud Rumble
• Bearded Clam Shenanigans
• Muffin scufflin'
• Cooch Confrontation
• Down There Donnybrook
• Labia Fray-bia
• Front-butt Fiasco
• Munch Bunch
• Apocalips
• Violencia del Vulva
• Meat-Curtain Mayhem
• Nookie Disagreement
• Honeypot havoc
• Fanny Free-for-all
• Tumult Near Mons Pubis (*also a great title for a post-apocalypic sci-fi erotic novel)

glug glug fizz fizz look how fat my ass is

I know that getting a health story straight is difficult.

It seems that every day, some new thing will kill you
and the next day, it's the great health wonderstuff.

Of course, you need to have time to see which
scientists are paid off by the big corps and which
are getting their rat quotas cut back.

However, a particularly interesting line of research
has to do with the effect of high fructose corn syrup
on health. It is now in all sorts of processed food.

The most obvious one is soft/fizzy/pop drinks.

One study (I'll try to find it) showed how these
drinks seem to numb your taste buds and give
you a hankering for more drinks and more
fatty, sugary, salty, sh*tty food.
I know that obesity is not caused by drinks only, but
it has now become an epidemic in the US, which
probably has the highest consumption of fizzers.

Sorry: corrected by Coke. US is #2, for colas
[countries with over 100 servings per year, per capita]
France: 149
Japan: 179
Germany: 190
Great Britain: 210
Brazil: 230
South Africa: 247
Canada: 259
United States: 403
Mexico: 728

or, by nationmaster

Food Statistics > Soft drink consumption (most recent) by country
DEFINITION: Consumption of carbonated soft drinks.
Litres per person per year, 2002.

Rank Countries Amount
# 1 United States: 216 litres
# 2 Ireland: 126 litres
= 3 Norway: 119.8 litres
= 3 Canada: 119.8 litres
# 5 Belgium: 102.9 litres
# 6 Australia: 100.1 litres
[which makes the US far and away the biggest consumer]
or QZ:
Mexico has approved both a soda tax and a junk food tax, which it expects to generate some $16 billion annually. But there’s a deeper reason why the taxes, like large swaths of the Mexican populace, are so hefty: Something has to be done about Mexico’s eating habits.
Some 33% of Mexicans are obese and 71% are either obese or overweight, according to the country’s latest national health survey. According to 2008 data from the UN Food and Agriculture Organization (pdf, pp. 73-79), Mexico at that point had the highest rate of obesity among large countries (though a number of small island states have far higher rates). Since then, though, the US obesity rate has overtaken Mexico’s, at 35.7%.
[Mexico and US competing in the Fat-limpics, or Fat & limping-ics]
[what do soda and junk food both have? HFCS]

so, let's look at the obesity stats from 1987 to today.
You could look for yourself, and I'll just put the
first and last years. But if you go to:
you can see the scariest timeline as you scroll down the page.
This is from the Centre for Disease Control, peeps.

Take the pics and look at the symbols for the colours.
If you did this in stats class, you can see that every state
has had ballooning numbers of ballooning people. Now ,
as you can see, Middle Southern America has got the
biggest bulge and some of them will be ready for another
colour 40%+ obesity rate. And this is a country with
50 million having no health care coverage.

Abby talks to a guy who spells it out.
Switzerland taxes sugar and subsidises fruit and veg.
US has highest economic freedom, fast food consumption and obesity.
They're related peeps.


I put the words into Sir David's documentary

I am amazed to see that reality follows fiction
once again. It has to do with a joke entry
where I had Sir David Attenborough
doing a documentary on human activity.
And now, he copied my idea, in almost
the exact same words.
So, for the uninitiated, Attenborough is
a famous animal documentary guy whose
voiceovers and speaking style are famous,
hence my joke doc, below. I must say
that curling is funnier.

So, last month, I wrote:

and more specifically:

What's this? The ultimate in insults. She is offering her
buttocks in order for them to be kissed by the
opposition. As David Attenborough would say
"watch the defiant look on the face of the female
exposing her genitals, in a sign of superiority"

Now, the story, video and transcript from Huffington Post:

"Attenborough’s iconic voice gently guides viewers through a
face-off  between the United States and Great Britain. At the
beginning of the video (above), he says, “Watch as the alpha 
female displays her dominance over the herd by tapping 
the end of the frisking broom to check for rogue insects.”"

checkit: The Huffington Post

Sir David Attenborough Narrates Women's Olympic Curling Event, And It Is Pure Gold
| by Emily Thomas
Sir David Attenborough, a legend in nature documentary narration, was recently asked by BBC Radio 1 to narrate a women’s curling event from the Winter Games.

Suffice it to say we’re very grateful he obliged.

Attenborough’s iconic voice gently guides viewers through a face-off between the United States and Great Britain. At the beginning of the video (above), he says, “Watch as the alpha female displays her dominance over the herd by tapping the end of the frisking broom to check for rogue insects.”

As Great Britain's Anna Sloane casts her team’s stone across the ice, Attenborough explains her movements in his signature soothing tone: “Off she goes, gently, but flamboyantly launching the oversized walnut down the frozen river.”

But that's not all.

After Sloane's teammates take over control of the stone’s path by sweeping the ice ahead of it to land in the "nest" he notes, "The frisking is frantic and often futile, making no difference to the success of the net thrust, but it is playful, all part of what makes this game the sliding curlers play so magical."

Attenborough, you’re magical.

Canada will face off against Sweden in the women’s curling finals on Thursday, Feb. 20.

Sunday, 9 February 2014

Look. It's a snowflake, a gay wink. no. It's a copyright violation

coming soon

those cunning Russians have found a way to
subvert the Olympic copyright mafia once and for all.

This mafia [stories later] runs around host
cities tearing down anything smacking of
Olympic spirit. 
Olympic Kebab Shack
is obviously trying to steal the thunder of
the doped sporting cartel. Bad Chef. Bad!

Also, it's become a gay theme as well. Russia's 
anti- gay-propagation laws meant that the fifth
wheel was not taken for a snowflake, but an anus.

Of course, it's a good joke, but don't say it too loudly
because it'll look like the gay backlash is
all about ass.
How's that for a jingle. 
The Olympics! All about ass
Those cunning Russians.
Wait a minute!

[BTW growing up, I always thought that Human League were gay.
the voices, the synths, the make-up. Now that I'm in the UK,
I'm not so sure. Does that make sense?]

And I used to think that organised sports were about
about crypto-fascist land acquisition games, as training
for warfare. Actually, it's the athletic version of 
"breasts & circumcisions"
that is so popular with the younger British royalty. 
It's all about that other big human urge. Sex.
The Bugler said that if it wasn't for some oiled up naked
Greeks then the Olympics would never have happened.

Let's look for evidence today:

Beach volleyball
 Is this what you're looking for?

 sometimes about ass
 other times about fanny.

But they should stop using underage girls in this way. Sick

So, this is why my high school gym teacher refused to teach
olympic greco-roman wrestling. He said something about
dry humping, and went away red-faced.

Party on, Thomas Bach.
party on, Sochi  
Of course, there were thousands of condoms handed out to athletes again.
That's only because the Pill and Viagra set off the drug test.
UPDATE: Juice Rap News wades into the Sochi-sex debate:

Chew-ba-kar strikes back

If you have a dog with teething problems, why not give

the poor quadruped a car to chew on?

How was the Doggie daddy to know that his car

was edible? He paid £80 K for an Aston Martin

to show how cool he is, and now he's got even

more cooling, from nature.

His car's missing a front bumper.

How is it the rich guys are always ahead of the

curve with new car ideas? While we shiver,

upright, jammed up against the steering wheel,

pumping our feet to change gears, they

sit back and use paddles.

Their cars can park for them, or show them

the way with cameras so they don't have to

turn their lordly heads. We gotta risk pinched

nerves on a daily basis.

Aston La Vista , baby [yahoo news]

 The dog's name is Chew-baka. Doggy daddy also bites
 [yahoo news]

Friday, 7 February 2014

No means "no society" or culture for that matter

I know that the rich people who run the media
are always telling us to
"shut up and learn to love slavery"
What I don't get is that after dismantling 
society, as Thatcher ordered, because there is
no society, except the one that was destroyed
after the orders were given. But, since
nobody complained, the destruction continued
until everybody took it for granted. There's no
society. What does that mean?
I suppose it means that workers are supposed to suffer,
not rich folks, cuz they can own/foster culture.,
with their own money, right?
Shell funds the arts, for now.
BP funds the arts, for now.

So, when clowns dressed as journalists 
opine that actually society should look 
after art, then I get incandescent.
They mean public $$£.

Not for poor people, not the homeless, 
not public healthcare, not schools,
the f^**(king art.

squiggles on canvas. Or more recently
whole rooms full of reclaimed sh*t 
from the garbage dump.

So, the government is supposed to protect
this art, so that we can LOOOOOK at it.
You know what?
Get the F^&*king JPEG and wank off to it!

"oooooh, Matisse. Your bitches are fiiiiine"

checkit: Daily Telegraph
Oliver Wright
Monday 18 November 2013
It has been described as Britain’s “cultural safety net” – a means to save some of the country’s most precious works of art from being sold abroad and disappearing from public view.
But now a former minister is warning that the 60-year-old system for protecting the UK’s cultural heritage is beginning to fail because of a lack of government and philanthropic support.
In the last two years, less than a third of the antiques, paintings and manuscripts that the Reviewing Committee on the Export of Works of Art and Objects of Cultural Interest recommended should be “saved for the nation” actually remained in Britain.
Instead works, including Picasso’s Child with a Dove, which had been on display at the National Gallery since 1974, have been lost to collectors abroad because the funds could not be found to keep them in the country.
Under the current system, the committee can ask ministers to delay export licences to allow British museums and collections time to raise the funds to buy the works.

But despite issuing 20 export delay orders since 2012, the money has only been raised to allow six pieces to remain in the country.

Nine of the works have already left Britain after export licence delays were lifted while six are still waiting to see if funds can be found to buy them. These include a Rembrandt. 

Justin Bieber is Miley Cyrus

At one point, Miley might have been her own
person but it seems that she has melded with
Justin Bieber.
i guess that means that Miley uses Autotune as well.