Thursday, 20 June 2013

How to author yourself a big paycheck

So you want to be an author? who doesn't?

As we are in a time of the second coming,
that of Dan Brown's new bestselling book,

we learned about the tricks that authors use
to defeat writer's block. Because authors are
supposed to be like a machine, producing the
palliative, in verbal form, that people need to
get through the commute, or go to sleep.
Lots of money in that. Numbing people's

If you want to write like Dan Brown, badly,
and write your own pay check, here they are.

the techniques:
Dan Brown wears gravity boots and hangs
upside down, like a bat in a belfry

Philip Roth writes standing up, and can't
stop thinking about his dick
[also Dickens, Churchill, Carroll, Hemingway,
all now dead]

Roald Dahl wrote in a sleeping bag, seated

Truman Capote wrote lying down, after a
coffee, a sherry, then a martini, ciggie at the

Stephen King used vitamins and tea, and starting
at 8am. no wonder he has violent thoughts

John Cheever writes/wrote in his underwear, not
on his underwear. That's Tracey Emin.

Victor Hugo wrote whilst starkers. Invigorating,
especially when you want to bag your maid.